Afraid to Miss Him on the Mission

So if you know me or have read any of my previous posts, you know I left for my mission with a lot on my mind.

I was leaving my fiance.

I didn't have doubts about what I was supposed to be doing, but I had plenty of fears. Fears so thick and grimy they would run their gritty hands down my soul and leave stains.

I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be courageous.

And lets be honest, its much easier to watch courage in a musical montage on screen that depicts months or years of personal progress in less than three minutes, than it is to FEEL courage day in and day out over a lengthy period of time.

And my friends, my dear friends who might be entering missionary service (or anything scary) the time will come when you feel your feet slipping out from under you. And what do you do then? Who is there to grab onto?

When I found myself feeling this way in Korea, completely isolated and alone, my thoughts would often wonder to the 'at home feeling' I ached for in Tyson's arms. I missed the way he just knew what I was thinking. The way his face would crack into a smile when he was laughing at the same weird thing that was making me laugh.

And I didn't have him.

The truth is I didn't WANT to have him. I wanted him right where he was. And I wanted me right where I was.

And so I learned their was only one set of hands to catch me in those moments. Their was one set of hands that would steady my shaking stance and not only push me forward, but push my soul upward-- and that was my Father in Heaven.

I came to understand their is something greater than me-- greater than Tyson-- and that His presence is everywhere. He is the atmosphere around us. He can be the rain that falls or the sun that shines. And if we look, we will see the beauty of Him everywhere.

Before I left I wrote this little ditty for the man of my dreams. Often its easier for me to express feelings in music.

http://youtu.be/uTXKhdlZyMI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTXKhdlZyMI
http://youtu.be/uTXKhdlZyMI

Thanks for reading and thanks for listening (if you so desire).

Much love